if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
they split up moments later
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I have no passwords left in me
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
much to think about
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.