I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”