Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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#SuperBowl
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Camping tip: No.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9