#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel