If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
You Might Also Like
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
#CatsOnTwitter
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner