Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*