“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Breaking news:
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?