There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Discuss
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.