“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away