Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit