Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot