You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Teach your children to beatbox
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?