[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first