there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.