*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
this came to me in a vision
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
the prophecies have been fulfilled
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!