What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
SCARY COSTUME
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…