Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on