“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
You Might Also Like
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.