Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants