HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Never be a pizza!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz