Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too