Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will