Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
my astrological sign is a french fry
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.