You Might Also Like
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.