Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.