Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
what do you want!!!!!!!!
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat