I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You Might Also Like
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering