Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Welcome
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort