*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
TODAY
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday