Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
no one likes gloating
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.