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The government even made aliens boring
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.