I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
do what now??
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*