As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.