kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite