Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
They got Raph!
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off