Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.