Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
LOL
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?