Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night