My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
They got a point!
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends