The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Jurassic park gets weird
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.