Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Noah was an idiot.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
💯😂
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.