the way this pissed me off… 😭
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Worst perfume name ever.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.