So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Raisins are grape jerky.
🤣😂
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.