If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.