A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.