Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I was just discussing this with my cat
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*