Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.