How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Oh my god
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”