new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Sharon I have some bad news
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.