I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
You Might Also Like
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.